I'm out

My temp took a CRASHING nose dive this morning, so I'm just waiting on the ol' witch to show. While I'm upset that yet another cycle passes and we are still not pregnant, I'm at more peace with it this month than previous months. Actually, I was even wondering if we should try this month or not because my EDD would have been late Aug (but the baby would have been born at least a week earlier because I will have to have a repeat c-section). The problem with that you ask? Well, DS will start kindergarten in Aug, so to have a new routine with that, a new baby, recovering from surgery, DSS in a different school district making sure we pick him up on time and the logistics of trying to get all of that to work with me unable to drive for six weeks and DH not being able to help out much because of his work schedule...well you can see why that would drive me crazy. Not that all of that couldn't be done...I'm a planner and have a plan in my mind of how this will work, but even the best laid plans can hit a snafu when it actually comes time to implement it. Especially when the biggest hurdle is a mom that can't drive right after surgery. If we get pregnant next month, at least we'd have a couple of weeks to work out any kinks with the schedule before adding a new baby. Its all in God's timing anyway and His timing is always perfect. I just have to remind myself of that sometimes. ;-)

Still in the running?

So where we left off...I was either 8 (possibly 10) DPO and with the temp drop I had, plus the AF-like cramping I've been having, I assumed that AF would be visiting in a few days. (My LP is shorter than most women...its 10-12 days with the occasional 14, and my temp starts dropping 2-3 days or so before AF comes.) The next morning, my temp rose and I wasn't completely shocked because I sometimes get that last little surge before it starts dropping again. When my temp dropped yesterday and with the cramping getting stronger, I put a pad on just waiting for AF to show. I've been taking hpts the last two days and not even a hint of a line, just stark white.

Last night, my DS woke up at 1:45 am. I must have been in a really good, deep sleep because I reached over to grab my phone so I could click the little screen on. As I laid there, I could see the time, decided to go ahead and take my temp in case I couldn't go back to sleep long enough to take it at my normal time (need at least 3-4 hours of sleep for an accurate result and I usually take it at 5:45 every morning), but I was so confused I couldn't figure out what 'app' to push to take my temp. (Yeah, I was THAT tired. LOL) Plus, I was SUPER hot and sweaty, which I never am. Once I realized that duh, you take your temp with a thermometer, I reached over and got it. I knew immediately that it was a jump from yesterdays temp, but I recorded it just in case I needed to use that one. After I got DS settled back down, I went back to sleep.

Fast forward to my phone beeping at its normal time. I took my temp again and it was still up! I was excited!! (Although, I am a little cautious, as I've had two cycles were my 11 dpo temp was this high and they were both BFN, 14 day LP cycles. However, the temps leading up to that were a little different.) I went back to sleep a little longer and when I got up, took a test. B..F...N. :-(  I have a whole box of ICs so I will probably be using one every time I go to the bathroom.

Yes, my name is Brandy and I am a POAS-aholic. Praying I will get something on one of them!

Sadness

Todays temp dropped more (quite a bit more actually) so I didn't test this morning. Based on this mornings temp, AF should arrive sometime tomorrow, maybe even Sunday. I'm so upset with myself....getting the TL in the first place, totally screwing up my body. I'm beginning to wonder if this is even in the cards for us. With DS, we got pregnant right off the bat on our honeymoon, DD took cycle #7 but thats because I was trying to gender sway and gender swaying girls take longer than boys. This is cycle #7 for TTC this baby. Ironically, it was Dec 29, 2008 that I found out I was pregnant with DD. How nice it would have been to find out over the next few days that I would be pregnant again. But no, that dream is crushed. Yeah, there is still a SLIM chance that I could be pregnant, that I am wrong with my dates, but that chance is so so slim, that it would be like hanging off a cliff by a shoestring, trusting it would hold you.

God, I need a miracle and you are the only one who can do it. I don't know how much longer we can try. DH already has a 'time frame' on exactly how much longer we should try (because of his age), and that is getting closer every day.

DPO adjusted

Two posts in one day!!

The more I've been looking at my chart, the more I really keep thinking I O'd on cd16 vs cd18. After some research on FF (the charting software) looking at other charts, that thought is even more prevalent so I changed it. (FF has four different interpretation methods and 2 of them say cd18 and the other two say cd16 so its not like I'm just totally pulling a number out of thin air). With that change, that obviously changes my DPO by two days....going from 7 to 9. I will probably start testing tomorrow, depending on how my temp looks, since I will be 10 DPO and because I am a self-admitted POAS-aholic.

Please pray for a BFP! I want my Christmas miracle. My little red-headed female, angel faced, vowel named, Christmas miracle. Of course a little sweet, soft spoken, mamma's boy Christmas miracle wouldn't be bad either!!

Not optimistic

Every month I use positive thinking (maybe a little too much) and try to picture myself pregnant as a way to release as much stress as possible. Then when AF shows every month, my emotions plummet back to earth. This month I not feeling too optimistic about my chances. So far my Nov/Dec chart looks an awful lot like my Sept one and that ended up a BFN, so I'm preparing myself for a repeat. I know that doesn't necessarily mean anything and that God could bless me with a miracle, (heck I didn't think I was pregnant the month I did get pregnant with DD), but this month seems different. Maybe its a self defense mechanism so I don't get disappointed.

Plus, on top of that, I really think there is a good chance I O'd on cd16 instead of cd18 based on what my temps do on previous good/strong O charts. The only thing that is holding me back for sure, is the EWCM I had on cd17. Guess we will see one AF arrives, then I can subtract my LP to confirm when O was (even FF seems to like those two choices). And if AF doesn't arrive, well, then it won't matter because I will be pregnant! There I go with that positive thinking again........:-)

Just for visual reference, I overlaid the charts so you can see what I mean. Sept chart is in green, current Nov/Dec chart is in purple.

This one shows current O on cd18.

 

This one shows current O on cd16. 

Can I...

...make this TTC journey any harder on myself? Why yes, yes I can! Random thoughts pop into my head on any given day. When AF arrives its "dang, another cycle not pregnant." Next, its waiting for O to happen and "are we BD'ing enough to cover our bases." Then its during the LP "what does this temp pattern mean this month" and so on and so on. Its a vicious cycle that repeats. Plus, trying not to symptom spot is hard too, but the hardest thing to deal with.....random thoughts of what the baby might look like!

The last few days, this image of a face keeps looking at me. Like a tight closeup in a movie. Every day since, the "camera" pans out a little more and I can see more features. Right now I can see sweet red curls framing a little girl's angelic face. Her facial features similar to DS and DD, with her big brown eyes and little button nose. Her smile and laugh mimics that of her oldest brother. (My DSS has the same shade of red and I've always loved it. Part of me wished that DS and DS would have red hair too, but they don't.) I imagine calling her by name (more on that in a bit), along with her brothers and sister. They way they all laugh and play just melts your heart. Its very much like how they are now....just with an extra sister!

Now, about her name. About a month ago, I had overwhelming thoughts of names that started with a vowel. Not really sure why, because there is a method on how we came up with the other kids names and to have a vowel name that matches the criteria (and that DH would actually like) will be next to impossible hard. But this vowel thing keeps running through my head. An endless database of names scroll in my head, like wheels on a slot machine, every so often stopping at one name before starting again. Very strange. I never experienced this with my other kids, not to this degree anyway.

I wonder if this is some sort of sign? Like God is giving me hope, telling me to hang on a little longer.

"Baby girl is not ready for you yet, but this is what you will be blessed with when she does arrive"

Sure, we are blessed with three TERRIFIC kids already, but it just seems like there is a piece missing to our puzzle that we didn't realize was missing until almost 2 years ago. I don't believe that God would put the desire in my (and DH's!) heart to have another child, for us to go through the TR process just to end the journey here. That would be too cruel. I guess for now, I will just enjoy these visions and thoughts, praying its not just 'all in my head' and that our journey will include this little miracle.

Eeny, meeny, miny, moe

Thats how I feel its going to be deciding which day I O'd. I was playing around with FF this morning and even its confused this month! Of course, the reason why my chart looks like it does is because of my BBT thermometer. Its had a good life the last 4 years and in about two weeks it will be put out of its my misery. LOL. I bought a new one a few days ago, but you never want to change thermometers mid cycle so its just patiently hanging out in the drawer for now. (I have used the new and old one at the same time, just to see if there is a difference or if its just me.....yep, a good amount of temp difference.) So for at intents and purposes, at this moment, I'm going to say that I'm 2dpo. Its not like I won't be testing next week anyway. ;-)

BBT

I guess its time for a new BBT thermometer! The one I've been using is a little over 4 years old, but I thought it was still fairly accurate. This cycle though, it seems not to be the case. My temps have been unsual and today it should be even higher to confirm O, but it was still stuck in the 97.01 range. I've checked my temp two other times today and its finally reading a higher reading (which only happens after O) so I'm confident that O has happened. I will have to wait until the end of this cycle to start using a new one because even though this one doesn't seem to be accurate, it will be consistenly accurate for charting purposes. Make sense? LOL.

Dear Body...

...please make up your mind on what you are wanting to do! This cycle, my pre O temps have been very unsual (up, down, flat for several days) and my CM has been strange (longer period of EWCM with some super sticky CM). Good news is that I finally got a +OPK today.

Now what?

Not really sure what is up with my temp yesterday. It wasn't cold or anything in the room and I had the same amount of sleep. Weird. Anyway, hopefully it was just a fluke and even though I had some cramping yesterday, I'm pretty sure I didn't O yet. Maybe its because I started self-fertility massage the other day? I also bought items needed to start doing castor oil packs, except the heating pad, which may have to wait until next cycle because you aren't supposed to do it after ovulation.

TSH Update

Six weeks ago, I went in for my quarterly TSH checkup. Read about it here. A few days ago I went in to have my blood drawn again and today I got the results....0.6!!!! Much, much better!! Now, hopefully this will mean a BFP soon since its back down to optimal TTC levels!