Our journey is over.....

Dr K called me just now to talk about our next step. Basically, he doesn't think another round of meds will help because I'm 'more a tubal patient and not a IF patient, per se'. We knew the meds weren't going to give us that much of a better chance since I do O on my own, but we tried them because that all thats left that we can try. He really thinks it could be just a simple egg-met-sperm issue, whether because of something in my tubes (CIS showed them open, but something else could be preventing passage) or sperm/CM issue. (DH's SA came back fine.) So, he said our only options are IUI or IVF, both of which we won't do, so its the end of the road for us. We don't even get one more chance at the meds. I have been trying to prepare myself for this, but I'm so freaking upset right now.

Just what I thought

I wasn't going to go get my beta drawn this morning (since the many BFNs already gave me my answer), but since my temp rose a little this morning and I was headed to that part of town anyway, I thought was the heck.

They just called with my result and its <2. (A positive pregnancy level is >5) Not a big surprise.

Since I stopped the progesterone 2 days ago, AF should arrive soon then its on to our last TTC cycle.

Disappointment yet again.

Sigh.....

The last two days my temps have dropped, (I was hoping yesterdays temp was possible implantation and that today I would have a rise) coupled with the fact that I have very little pregnancy symptoms, this cycle seems to be a bust. I'm not sure when AF will start since I'm on the progesterone. I'm not going to be taking anymore this cycle so hopefully it won't prolong it too much. I'm supposed to go get a beta at my RE's office tomorrow, but I'm not sure if I will go get one done. FRERs hasn't showed anything and with temp drops it seems kinda pointless.

DH and I have decided that next cycle will be our last TTC. If we don't get pregnant, we won't TTA (try to avoid or prevent pregnancy), we just won't be actively TTC.

I'm still praying for my miracle.

100th

This is my 100th post on this blog. I honestly thought I would have been able to announce a BFP long before now, but unfortunately that has not been the case.

I'm 8 DPO this cycle and not a whole lot is going on. I've been slightly nauseated off and on the last few days, tired, but not sleeping worth crap. I've also been having some cramping on and off.....but its so light I don't think it means much of anything. Overall, I'm not too optimistic for this month. Of course, with DD, I thought I was 'out' then too. Stark white BFN on 9 dpo, but then a blazing BFP on 10 dpo. So anything is possible and I pray that I'll have good news to share soon. Yep, announcing a BFP in a few days would be great. :-)

Officially gone

Todays HPTs show that my trigger is officially gone! Now, we just wait for *hopefully* implantation to happen and a real BFP to show up next week!

Trigger Update

My wondfos have been SUPER light today and OPKs are negative. The last one I just took an hour ago is a super squinter, so I think its safe to say that it will be completely gone by morning. I was hoping my package of answer tests would be in today so I could use one of them, but they are still in transit.

In other news, a dear friend sent me a picture of her + HPT this morning! I won't go into details, but her and her husband have been through the ringer and deserve this incredible news. I'm am SO excited for them and hope they have a happy and healthy 9 months. Congrats Doreen and Michael!! (I wasn't going to say their name because we have some mutual friends and I didn't want to spill the beans until she told them, but she just made an announcement so I think its ok) :-)

Trigger Progression

Here are pics of my trigger progression so far....

Wondfos 1, 2 and 4 DPT (days post trigger). I'm not a fan of these so much as they are very light. They actually look better in picture form (because I can blow them up) than they do in person.

 

CBE OPKs 2 and 4 DPT. Still get smiley faces. 

 

FRER 1 and 4 DPT. I love how bold these tests show up. Its really hard to mistake what your result is on these. 

 

I have some Answer tests coming in soon, but in the meantime I will continue to use the Wondfos and OPKs. Other than that, not much else going on except for some occasional nausea, cramping and bloating.

Cramps, super sized

I've had cramps ever since the trigger shot, but whoa, super cramps this morning! I was also so bloated, it felt like a big rubber band was around my abdomen squeezing me. This is definitely the strongest O pains I've ever felt!

To satisfy my POAS urges, I've been peeing on hpts to check my trigger progression. I took a wondfo yesterday with FMU and it was SO light that I got worried that maybe my trigger wasn't going to be good enough. I ended up taking a FRER later last night and it was super dark in seconds. I took another wondfo this morning and while its a little darker than yesterdays, its still very light. I'm not sure I like those tests very much! Guess thats what you get with a cheap test. Since I still have about 10 left, I'll keep using them and then confirm with FRER. I also ordered some answer tests, so those will be here in a few days. FX these are the last batch of hpts I ever have to buy!!

I'll post my progression pics in a few days when my trigger starts to leave.

CD11 and trigger happy

I've been taking my Clomid and Follistim (FSH) like a good girl. Luckily, few side effects except for headaches and some slight nausea. Today, I went in for my u/s check to see how my little eggies are growing. A Dr (a new lady that I haven't met before) said I have three follicles....a 20.73mm, 15.37 and a 10.76. She said the 10.76 wouldn't do anything and the 15.37 may or may not release. She said my lining looked good, at over 11.8 and overall was very happy on how I have responded to the meds. She told me to trigger tonight and to BD tonight and tomorrow. (We aren't doing IUI, just TI.) I did my trigger about 2 hours ago and I'm already a little crampy now. Not sure if its from the shot (if so, boy that works fast!) or what. My OPKs have not even been close to +. (Even though I'm doing a trigger, I've been testing with them over the last few days just because it gives me something to pee on. LOL)

Over the next few days, I'll be testing out my trigger. From what I've been reading, it'll take approx 6-7 for the trigger to leave my system and then hopefully it will be replaced by a true BFP!! FX!!

Stick it to me

My meds arrived at 930 this morning! It arrived in such a huge box, that I was wondering what I got myself into to. Turns out it was 90% ice cooler and ice packs. LOL. Anyway, here is all of my goodies for this month. Follistim Pen, Follistim cartridge, Ovidrel syringe, sharps container, alcohol wipes and a fertility DVD. (Since DH is a nurse and I am a former paramedic, we didn't need to review the dvd). I figured since I have to do the BBT, peeing on OPKs/HPTs, ultrasounds and the whole bit, the least he can do is give me my shots so he's more involved with the process instead of just BD'ing. I wish it was still that simple for me too......

Results and meds

I called and got DH's SA results this morning....

Morphology: 4% 
Volume: 4.3 ml
Motility: 59%

Of course, since I don't know much about SA, I had to consult Dr Google to see what those numbers meant. Normal Motility is >50% so thats good; normal volume is 2-5 ml, thats good too; where it gets tricky is the Morphology value. There were two different scales that had very different numbers. Luckily, the nurse had called me back about another issue so I was able to talk to her about it. On their scale, they want to see the number at 4% or above. And that while DH just barely made the cut, the fact that he abstained for 5 days prior to the SA, that those numbers would likely have been higher if we had tested a 2-3 day abstained sample instead. So overall, they said there should be no reason that his sperm is the cause of us not getting pregnant. Darn, part of my was kinda hoping it would be something simple that could be explained and changed. :-)

I had to call this morning because I still have not heard from the pharmacy about my meds. (They send the orders to a specific pharmacy and they mail you the meds.) Since I'm supposed to start the Follistim (FSH) tomorrow night, I was getting a little worried it wouldn't make it in time. After several phones call and $364.48 later (for the FSH and Ovidrel), everything finally got straightened out. It will be overnighted to me and I will have it sometime tomorrow. Thank goodness the Clomid was only $5 on top of that. If it gets us a baby, I don't care about the cost, DH on the otherhand.......LOL.

Game Plan

This morning, DH and I went to the RE's office to discuss our options. First, Dr. K. did an u/s (which he said everything looked great) and then we went into the consultation room to talk. Since I'm healthy, young and my charts show good ovulation with good LP lengths. Dr. K. doesn't think I have a progesterone issue (or any other issues of the sort and didn't think I needed blood work today). Even with my P4 being 10.3 last week, he said that is perfectly normal for a non medicated cycle and that it increases after implantation. The 7 DPO level just confirms O, it doesn't have a grade of how 'strong' ovulation was. So that made me feel a little relieved.

He thinks the reason we haven't conceived yet is due to 1. DH's sperm (which he really doesn't think is an issue since DH has fathered three children, but we did a SA while we were there just to make sure and we'll get the results tomorrow) or 2. something is wrong with my tubes. We know both tubes are open since I had a CIS done in Oct and showed very clear, open tubes, with no slow or thinned portions. Dr. K. thinks it could be because they are a little on the shorter side, but still long enough to TTC without much issue.

The conversation the turned to discussing our options. He said we could keep doing what we are doing, but that we would probably have the same results....no BFPs. He talked about IUI/IVF and told us what our chances would be with those. Since neither of those options are on the table (due to our religious beliefs) we talked about the effectiveness of just doing meds. He said meds alone would only give us a 1 maybe 2% chance more of conceiving, while IUI with the meds would give us 3-4% increase. After some more discussion with Dr. K. and then with just DH and I, we have decided to do just meds. We can do these meds for three cycles. If no BFPs happen by then, then I think DH and I are to the point of ending our journey. We won't TTA (try to avoid) of course, we just won't actively TTC.

While Clomid is usually given from CD3-7 or CD5-9, Dr K said go ahead and start it today.

So the plan is as follows:

2/7--CD4--Baseline u/s, start 50mg Clomid
2/8--CD5--50mg Clomid
2/9--CD6--50mg Clomid, 25IU Follistim (FSH) SQ
2/10--CD7--50mg Clomid, 25IU FSH SQ
2/11--CD8-- 50mg Clomid, 25IU FSH SQ
2/12--CD9--25IU FSH SQ
2/13--CD10--25IU FSH SQ
2/14--CD11--Follow up u/s and then based on how that one looks, I will either need to keep doing FSH injections for a few more days or I will do the Ovidrel trigger.

36 hours after the Ovidrel is when they would normally do the IUI, but since we're not doing that, we'll just be BD'ing as much as possible.

Since progesterone is one of those "can't hurt, might help" type drugs, I will be starting Prometrium capsules vaginally approx 3 days after the trigger.

Then blood HCG draw 2 weeks later. Of course I'm a POAS-aholic, so I will be testing out the trigger so I know when it goes away (and will hopefully start seeing a BFP a day or so later).

Dear God, I pray this works. I think its the perfect time for another Novena to St. Jude and St. Gerard.

Hoping for some answers

Tomorrow, I go in at 930 am for lab work and u/s, while DH is going for a SA. Hopefully this will give us some answers as to what is going on and why we haven't had a BFP yet in 9 cycles. We also also going to talk to the dr and see what all of our options are.

Horrible, horrible, horrible

Lately, I have been feeling very disappointed and let down about this whole TTC journey. Then yesterday, after one of the ladies in my TR group announced a BFP (after having surgery just last month and told her chances didn't look too good) I LOST it. Like, have a total meltdown lost it. DH came into where I was and just held me as I cried. In 7 years together, I don't think he has ever seen me cry like that. I'm hardly ever a crier, I bottle up feelings and don't show much expression. That dam broke loose yesterday and everything ever bottled up came rushing out. Of course, I'm not mad at the lady. I'm not mad at any of the ladies who have suddenly become pregnant recently. Most of them not even having to try to get pregnant.

I used to be one of those ladies. One of those ladies who became pregnant on her honeymoon, first time trying. One of those ladies who only took 7 months to get pregnant with the daughter she was trying to gender sway for. Now, I'm here. The lady who can't get pregnant after 9 cycles. Nine cycles of temping, OPK'ing, scheduling BD'ing, obsessing over every little sign and symptom. A lady who month after month prays that this is our month, our month that we get our very extra special miracle, only to have AF show up. Little by little carving away what strength we have left to go on and continue trying.

Yesterday, I asked my DH if God didn't think we deserved another baby...if I wasn't a good enough mother to allow us one more child....if I was being too selfish wanting another baby when we have three terrific children already, when so many women can't have one or two. But then I think of the women that have 5, 6, even 7 children and are pregnant again. I think of the desires God put into our heart of getting the reversal for the surgery we so regretted, getting the money that we were able to save to pay for it.

I have an appointment for Thursday morning for cd3 labs and u/s. We are going to discuss our options and how much further we want to continue.

Right now God's answer is clear, I just hope and pray this isn't where our journey ends. And if it is, I pray I have the strength to be ok with that.

No clue

I had to get up several hours earlier than normal so my temp won't be as accurate today. If you convert it (there is a formula) to match the time I normally take it then it spiked quite a bit today, but that method is not accurate with such a huge time difference. Plus, I'm feeling more AF like wetness. Looks like I'm headed toward cycle 10 shortly. If that is the case, I'm going to go see the RE, do some cd3 labs, talk to him about progesterone and develop a game plan. After all, I'm not getting any younger!