Horrible, horrible, horrible

Lately, I have been feeling very disappointed and let down about this whole TTC journey. Then yesterday, after one of the ladies in my TR group announced a BFP (after having surgery just last month and told her chances didn't look too good) I LOST it. Like, have a total meltdown lost it. DH came into where I was and just held me as I cried. In 7 years together, I don't think he has ever seen me cry like that. I'm hardly ever a crier, I bottle up feelings and don't show much expression. That dam broke loose yesterday and everything ever bottled up came rushing out. Of course, I'm not mad at the lady. I'm not mad at any of the ladies who have suddenly become pregnant recently. Most of them not even having to try to get pregnant.

I used to be one of those ladies. One of those ladies who became pregnant on her honeymoon, first time trying. One of those ladies who only took 7 months to get pregnant with the daughter she was trying to gender sway for. Now, I'm here. The lady who can't get pregnant after 9 cycles. Nine cycles of temping, OPK'ing, scheduling BD'ing, obsessing over every little sign and symptom. A lady who month after month prays that this is our month, our month that we get our very extra special miracle, only to have AF show up. Little by little carving away what strength we have left to go on and continue trying.

Yesterday, I asked my DH if God didn't think we deserved another baby...if I wasn't a good enough mother to allow us one more child....if I was being too selfish wanting another baby when we have three terrific children already, when so many women can't have one or two. But then I think of the women that have 5, 6, even 7 children and are pregnant again. I think of the desires God put into our heart of getting the reversal for the surgery we so regretted, getting the money that we were able to save to pay for it.

I have an appointment for Thursday morning for cd3 labs and u/s. We are going to discuss our options and how much further we want to continue.

Right now God's answer is clear, I just hope and pray this isn't where our journey ends. And if it is, I pray I have the strength to be ok with that.

No clue

I had to get up several hours earlier than normal so my temp won't be as accurate today. If you convert it (there is a formula) to match the time I normally take it then it spiked quite a bit today, but that method is not accurate with such a huge time difference. Plus, I'm feeling more AF like wetness. Looks like I'm headed toward cycle 10 shortly. If that is the case, I'm going to go see the RE, do some cd3 labs, talk to him about progesterone and develop a game plan. After all, I'm not getting any younger!

AF coming?

Todays temp took a HUGE dive! :-( Since my LP has been kinda messed up the last few cycles, so I'm not sure if that means AF is coming or possible implantation. I'm leaning more toward AF since I've been having that "wet" feeling for a few days with no CM and very few symptoms, the most notable is some slight cramping. Who knows, the witch may show up tomorrow....hope not though!

Good/Bad

Good: Temp had a very nice rise today. This is an almost unheard of post-O temp! Hope it continues!!

Bad: I got my progesterone results back....10.3. Anything over 10 in an unmedicated cycle indicates O, which is good, but I'm a little concerned that mine is barely over 10. I'm not sure how quickly it rises after implantation and I'm worried that it might not be high enough to sustain a pregnancy. (Post TR women have a higher chance of progesterone issues) Sometimes temps can help be an indication of potential problems. My temps have always been on the lower side so since this month they seem to be higher and my progesterone is only 10.3, then what has it normally been these past months? This is definitely something to talk to the RE about if I'm not pregnant this cycle.

Other than that, very few symptoms this month, so not much else is going on.

Chills

When I wrote yesterday's post I wasn't feeling too many symptoms. A few hours after that things changed! Last night I was having weird chills and hot flashes. I kept tossing and turning and everytime I moved, I could feel the heat emitting from where my head just was. Its like I was laying on a heating pad! Today I've been having more chills than hot flashes, but I haven't been running a fever (at least when I check it). I hope this doesn't mean I'm still sick or getting it again.

I went in for a p4 (progesterone) check this morning. They said I would get the results today, so I called at 3pm when I didn't hear anything. They said the results weren't back yet, but that they would call me back by 5, but that came and passed with no phone call. I tried the office again, but they were already gone so I'll call them again in the morning.

Feeling happy

The last few days haven't been so great (stress over projects I've been working on), but today I actually feel pretty happy. Not really feeling anything TTC symptom wise, but I've been working on not trying to stress over it and give it up to God. If its meant to be, it will happen. I have also been trying to drink more water (yuck!) and less sweet tea. Doesn't help that DH came home with TWO gallons of Chicken Express Sweet Tea (my fav) for me the other day. Guess he thought I needed it. LOL. I will probably start testing on Wednesday and I pray that I see some lines! I've been very happy with how high my temps have been this month, although I know that can come crashing down the day before AF arrives. Hope thats not the case this month and I get my BFP.

So far so good

Temps are up good this month. I'm still having doubts about me only being 4 dpo though. This below is my chart overlay with my previous cycles, and this cycle (in orange) adjusted to show O on cd11. As you can see, it fits my pattern a lot better than if I O'd on cd13 like FF says. The whole opk is confusing too. Guess thats what happens when you are sick, your cycle gets all messed up! As long as I get a BFP this month, I could really care less which day O really was. :-)

Interesting...

If I end up pregnant this cycle, my EDD will be my birthday....We have several Oct birthdays in my extended family, so it would be very neat to add one more.

Stumped

I haven't been BBT'ing this month because I've not been sleeping well, plus I've been sick the last few days. I took an opk yesterday because I can usually pinpoint pretty well when I will get a + and it felt close to that time. So, I took it and it was super bright but not quite a +. I concluded that due to the fact that I took it 2 hours later than I normally take it and the fact that it was so dark that it would have been + if I took it at my normal time. (Because I surge very quickly, I NEVER get lines that dark before a +. I go straight from barely a line to blazing + in a matter of 4 hours and it fades just as quickly as it comes.)

Anyway, to confirm that theory I took another opk 4 hours later. If it was darker then I knew I hadn't surged yet, and if it were lighter, then it could have been + had I taken it earlier or that my body was gearing up but didn't O because I'm sick. Well, it was much lighter than the 6pm one, just as I suspected. Took my temp this morning and it was in my post O range. Just great I thought. We only BD'd once before I got sick so I thought this month was already shot. I haven't been running a fever so I didn't think the temp was totally inaccurate.

Fast forward to this afternoon. I decided to take yet another opk because I just really hate not knowing for sure, plus I still had some EWCM (although there was some creamy cm in there as well.) I figured it would be - and that would be that. Low and behold it was a +. So that now means I'll O in the next 24 hours or so. Which on one hand is bad because that puts O one day further out from our last BD, on the other hand thats good because that gives us a chance to BD some more. But since I'm still sick that still won't be too possible.

Some days I just really hate this.

Frustrated

Today is CD 7 of cycle #9. I (and my dr) didn't really think I'd be here. Here, with no BFP, no due date, no nothing. Empty. After factoring in my age, health and previous pregnancy history, we assumed that even with the whole TL/TR process, that I'd be pregnant within 6 months. In all fairness though, it has only technically been 7.5 months since surgery (thanks to short cycles). I'm trying to be patient and easygoing about the wait. Yeah, easier said than done on some days....almost like how I was when we were saving up the money for the reversal. Of course more dreams about baby names don't help either.

I'm glad....

that cycle is over! Since AF arrived yesterday, that would have put O at CD11 (closer to what my 'normal' O after +opk is even though my late temp rise suggested different at the time).

I called the RE's office who did my TR to see what our options are since this is now the start of cycle #9.  The nurse and I had a good long talk and it was suggested we do Clomid + TI (timed intercourse) + injectible and see where that takes us. I'm hesitant because 1. I do not like taking meds (even Tylenol for a headache...yeah I'm that weird), 2. I'm nervous about side effects from the drugs, risk of twins, it not working, etc. Luckily, we have the money set aside for what it all would cost so thats not the issue. Since we've had a lot going on the last few days with my FIL having surgery, DH and I didn't get a chance to talk a lot about it and since today is CD2, I'm not sure if I could get someone to watch the kids (they don't like kids coming to the clinic for fear of upsetting other IF patients) tomorrow to go for the CD3 checkup and sono to start it this month.

So, the plan is to try one more month on our own and then try those things next cycle, if we need to. There is not a whole lot more we can try (we can do this protocol up to 3 times and we won't do IUI/IVF) so if this doesn't work, then maybe it wasn't to be after all. The thought of that makes me very emotional so I pray that we get a BFP before then.

I am also going to try another sperm-friendly lube. We've been using Preseed this entire time with no luck and since all of that is gone now, hopefully another kind will be the easy solution. (I tried something called FemCare, at least I think thats what the name was, when we were TTC our DD and we got pregnant the 2 month using that.)