Can I...

...make this TTC journey any harder on myself? Why yes, yes I can! Random thoughts pop into my head on any given day. When AF arrives its "dang, another cycle not pregnant." Next, its waiting for O to happen and "are we BD'ing enough to cover our bases." Then its during the LP "what does this temp pattern mean this month" and so on and so on. Its a vicious cycle that repeats. Plus, trying not to symptom spot is hard too, but the hardest thing to deal with.....random thoughts of what the baby might look like!

The last few days, this image of a face keeps looking at me. Like a tight closeup in a movie. Every day since, the "camera" pans out a little more and I can see more features. Right now I can see sweet red curls framing a little girl's angelic face. Her facial features similar to DS and DD, with her big brown eyes and little button nose. Her smile and laugh mimics that of her oldest brother. (My DSS has the same shade of red and I've always loved it. Part of me wished that DS and DS would have red hair too, but they don't.) I imagine calling her by name (more on that in a bit), along with her brothers and sister. They way they all laugh and play just melts your heart. Its very much like how they are now....just with an extra sister!

Now, about her name. About a month ago, I had overwhelming thoughts of names that started with a vowel. Not really sure why, because there is a method on how we came up with the other kids names and to have a vowel name that matches the criteria (and that DH would actually like) will be next to impossible hard. But this vowel thing keeps running through my head. An endless database of names scroll in my head, like wheels on a slot machine, every so often stopping at one name before starting again. Very strange. I never experienced this with my other kids, not to this degree anyway.

I wonder if this is some sort of sign? Like God is giving me hope, telling me to hang on a little longer.

"Baby girl is not ready for you yet, but this is what you will be blessed with when she does arrive"

Sure, we are blessed with three TERRIFIC kids already, but it just seems like there is a piece missing to our puzzle that we didn't realize was missing until almost 2 years ago. I don't believe that God would put the desire in my (and DH's!) heart to have another child, for us to go through the TR process just to end the journey here. That would be too cruel. I guess for now, I will just enjoy these visions and thoughts, praying its not just 'all in my head' and that our journey will include this little miracle.