Horrible, horrible, horrible

Lately, I have been feeling very disappointed and let down about this whole TTC journey. Then yesterday, after one of the ladies in my TR group announced a BFP (after having surgery just last month and told her chances didn't look too good) I LOST it. Like, have a total meltdown lost it. DH came into where I was and just held me as I cried. In 7 years together, I don't think he has ever seen me cry like that. I'm hardly ever a crier, I bottle up feelings and don't show much expression. That dam broke loose yesterday and everything ever bottled up came rushing out. Of course, I'm not mad at the lady. I'm not mad at any of the ladies who have suddenly become pregnant recently. Most of them not even having to try to get pregnant.

I used to be one of those ladies. One of those ladies who became pregnant on her honeymoon, first time trying. One of those ladies who only took 7 months to get pregnant with the daughter she was trying to gender sway for. Now, I'm here. The lady who can't get pregnant after 9 cycles. Nine cycles of temping, OPK'ing, scheduling BD'ing, obsessing over every little sign and symptom. A lady who month after month prays that this is our month, our month that we get our very extra special miracle, only to have AF show up. Little by little carving away what strength we have left to go on and continue trying.

Yesterday, I asked my DH if God didn't think we deserved another baby...if I wasn't a good enough mother to allow us one more child....if I was being too selfish wanting another baby when we have three terrific children already, when so many women can't have one or two. But then I think of the women that have 5, 6, even 7 children and are pregnant again. I think of the desires God put into our heart of getting the reversal for the surgery we so regretted, getting the money that we were able to save to pay for it.

I have an appointment for Thursday morning for cd3 labs and u/s. We are going to discuss our options and how much further we want to continue.

Right now God's answer is clear, I just hope and pray this isn't where our journey ends. And if it is, I pray I have the strength to be ok with that.