Almost at the end of my rope

I sure wish I had some good news, especially considering we are just a few days shy of the 4th anniversary of our TR. But no, AF just arrived this morning, meaning we're on cycle #56 now. Fifty-five cycles have come and gone, with no BFP in sight.

A fellow TR sister (who had her TR after mine, with the same Dr.) just had her second TR baby last week, and another TR sister just announced her second TR pregnancy. I'm happy for them, but part of me wonders "why not me too?".

I only have 90 days left on my Fertility Friend membership. At this moment, I don't think I will be renewing it. (never say never though) Obviously, if God hasn't given us another baby by now, more than likely He won't. Its hard to completely give up on this dream though. Its such a struggle when your head tells you to be realistic and your heart keeps pulling you in another direction. Even with trying to keep myself busy with work, my mind daydreams what another child would look like in our family. Watching the kids and wondering how the dynamic would change with another baby.

This is how my brain rambles....

...and she shows

AF showed up this afternoon. On to cycle #51. Heartbroken once again.

Waiting

I just changed my O date on my chart. It was debated whether I O'd on Dec 31 (since I was surging and had horrible O pains) or Jan 1 which fits the timeline of surging 24-36 hours before O. I don't think it really matters either way since AF still hasn't shown up and all hpts are BFNs. I don't feel pregnant, yet I don't feel not pregnant either. Does that make any sense at all? I'd prefer a BFP, but if AF is supposed to show, let her show up already so I can cry and move on. The not knowing being drug out like this kills me.

Where we are at....

Sorry for the lack of updates lately. I've been working a lot (putting money back for hopefully baby gear). Here's what has been going on the last week.....

Jan 6--Biggest thing is I've been smelling a "vomit" smell for the past 3 days in my house so I've been a little queasy on and off. No one else can and I can't find a source of what could be smelling bad. (I'm fine at work) But I always have a sensitive nose, so it's probably nothing. Very slight cramping yesterday, but nothing that lasted long. I feel like I'm out.

Jan 7--Ok, so this morning was a totally different story. About 6am I couldn't keep my eyes open! I literally had to tell my tele partner at work to watch my screens so I could take a 20 min cat nap!! Now, I haven't been sleeping past 2 pm most days, so by the time I get off work I've been up 17-19 hours. So it could be that I'm just tired from not a lot of sleep in between shifts. I was also super nauseated to the point of going to the bathroom....so that makes me more positive because that's hard to explain away! (Although it is 7dpo and that usually happens like clockwork even on non pg cycles, not that strong though) Also, my opks have still been high all week and we know for sure I've already O'd. So that's interesting to see if that means anything soon.

Jan 11--Nothing but stark white bfns. Cramping, sore bbs and some nausea on and off. Woke up at 4am sweating and needing to pee so bad. If I'm not pg, AF should arrive by Wednesday at the latest. 11dpo beta.....2.55 Not pregnant. There is a slim chance that I could be 10dpo, or that implantation just happened and it is still super early. However, I've been having a specific wet feeling that I get before AF shows (its a different wet feeling from the other wet feeling I have. Weird, I know.)

So it looks more than likely that I'm headed to cycle #51 soon. :(

Jan 13--As you can see by my chart, I've been having a lot of cramping, sore bbs, etc. One of the things I hate about the TWW is that so many symptoms can either be pregnancy or just hormones, like progesterone, messing with you. Makes this time period pure torture!! Last night before I went to work, I had a tiny amount of "spotting" when I wiped. I mean SUPER tiny. So tiny that I feel silly even marking it on my chart or even talking about it. No bigger than a pencil eraser but light pink nonetheless. So I put a pad on and headed to work, fully expecting AF to rear her ugly head. Anytime AF starts, I may get spotting, which really is more like a super light flow, enough to reach a pad a decent amount. Full flow starts no more than 4 hours later, usually within 2. This however, never went anywhere! I kept going to the restroom thinking she arrived, but when I wiped, it was creamy CM. The whole 12 hours at work, I kept thinking she would arrive. Closer to the end of my shift, I began thinking....maybe this is IB? Then I would talk myself out of it. It was too scant, I'm 12dpo (11dpo at best) that's too late for IB, etc. My cramping wasn't as bad as it's been, plus the AF wetness feeling that I get kinda went away too. I'm trying not to grab at straws, but I'm feeling a little hopeful, like I'm still in the game for this cycle. AF should have shown yesterday, but really should be starting today at the latest.

So my new plan is this......if AF doesn't arrive before I leave for work, I'm going to take a HPT with me. If AF is still MIA during my shift, I will take the HPT before I leave for work. Based on that result I'm going to call the office and see if they will let me stop by on my way home from work and do another beta. If this was IB last night, a HPT may/may not show anything yet, as HCG can take a few days to build up in my system. However, since my beta was already 2.55 and FRERs can pick up 6.5, maybe, just maybe, I will see some pink lines in the morning! Dear God, please let me see some lines!!!

TWW

I was supposed to go in yesterday, but for some reason I didn't have a time written down so I called the office. They are only open a few hours on Sundays and since it was also DS birthday I thought I would be a little rushed. They called back and said it was no big deal if I wanted to come in today instead since it was just a follow-up scan. Whew! That extra time helped a little.

So no bloodwork today, just a sono. Sono shows all 3 follicles are gone, with free fluid all around where they were (so very good indication that all 3 ruptured and not just one) and good, fuzzy lining. Based on my chart, labs, sonos and O pain, we've all agreed that I likely O'd on Dec 31 so that makes me 4 DPO today. I go back on Jan 11 (11dpo) for a beta, but we all know I'll be peeing on sticks before then. LOL.

Ovulation

Went in for another LH level and sono this morning. Sono shows right follicle is 30mm (super amount of growth in two days!) and still two on the left. Nurse called back with the LH results--40, so I'm finally ovulating! OPK was also + this afternoon. I go back on Sunday for a followup scan to make sure I ovulated.

Limbo

Another sono and blood work this afternoon. Sono showed my lining is 13.68 with even more free fluid on the left side (good) with the two follies on that side a little smaller than they were yesterday. Evidently they start to shrink right before ovulation. They are now 18.0 and 13.6 and the one on the right is now 22.7 (grew since yesterday). Two nurses (one who did the sono today and the one who did it yesterday) that both said they are 99% sure I'm O'ing. Got a call with my blood work results this afternoon....nope, not O'ing yet! (I don't know the exact values today since my phone was being stupid and sent her call straight to my voicemail.) So the plan is to keep doing OPKs and call if I get another positive. I go back Thursday, if not sooner, for another sono and more blood work.

Possible problem?

The plan was for another follicular check and lab work on the 30th, unless I had a +OPK sooner than that in which case I would go in that day. Well, at 230pm today I went "peak" on my OPK (it has been low the last two days and totally skipped "high") so I called Dr N's office. They had me go in at 330pm to do an LH level and sono. The nurse said I looked very good, that my follicles had grown even more (now 21.6, 18.4 and 17.6) and that the largest one had some fluid around it and was super hazy, a very good indicator that I was surging! Fast forward to 430. The nurse called and said that my LH level was only 3.74 and that Dr N was surprised that I got a +OPK with a level that low. She doubts I'm actually surging, even based on the sono results. Plan is to BD tonight (just in case I really am surging) and go back in for another sono and more blood work tomorrow afternoon. Even the nurse was surprised how low my level was for how I looked on sono, so now I'm a little scared that this could be the reason I've been having such a hard time.

FX that my OPK just caught the very beginning of my surge and that my level is where it needs to be this afternoon!

Follicular check

Since we are doing clomid this cycle, I had to go in for a follicular check today. We saw three follicles....One my right (21mm) and two on the left (15.8 and 16.4). My lining was 11 so everything is looking good! Next step is for another follicular check and a lab draw on the 30th (unless I get a +OPK before then, in which time they will have me come in that day).

Until then, grow eggies, grow!

Cycle 50....CD 2

I'm CD 2 today so I just called to schedule my baseline sonogram for this cycle. I'll be going in tomorrow at 730am (right after I get off work). Dear God, please let this be the last cycle we have to struggle with and bless us with a healthy little bean growing into the New Year.